"The world is won by those who let it go.
But when you try and try,
the world is beyond the winning."
There are moments that hurt. Digs that someone has dug right into my soul. I try to be the larger person, the whole person, and not stoop to the level of that hurter. But it is difficult. As much as I know, the lessons won, it can still get me.
When this happens I turn to the things I know will help me through it. I name the hurt. Not to give it power, but to be able to dismiss it in some way. As if to get its attention so that it can move on. It is always my choice to react to the hurts sent my way, intentionally or not.
I turn to people I know and trust. Today, when the hurt came washing over me, I sent Derrick a text. I let him know how meaningful it was to spend time in conversation with him on Saturday evening. I told him how much it means to me that he asks about how T is doing. I acknowledge his care for me and let him know how much he means to me.
In March, abandoned and dismissed as I was in the coffee shop, I turned to sending text and Facebook messages to other people I can always count on. I sent a cheerful little observation to my mom and sister about a place from a childhood adventure. Nothing that even lets on I'm hurt, but gives me a connection to those who love and care for me. I can send light and love into the Universe to those I know will appreciate it. It is almost like asking for a prayer from someone because I know the loving message I send out will be reciprocated and loving, kind thoughts will be sent in my direction when I need them most.
Delving into a creative project is always healing. Thankfully, there is an ever present knitting project that weaves the hurt right into the pattern. I can knit through most anything, thankfully not just hurts. But it looks the same to the outside world. No one else needs to know the pain that a project may have absorbed and turned into something beautiful because of it. A painting can do the same and no one ever knows the story behind what is seen on the canvas. This can be healing, too, because the painting has more depth than others that have been more specifically planned.
Reading something spiritual always helps. Thanks to the internet and portable e-readers, I'm never far from my favorite pieces. The Tao Te Ching is always close. Favorite Bible verses, mostly shared by Grandma, are not only worn into my heart memory, but can be looked up for verification. It can look so incredibly innocent, someone just looking up one more thing on the iPhone!
Close inspection of something in nature always transports me away from the pain of the moment. Giving my full attention to some small thing in nature often gives me freedom from the hurt. Sitting on the back step of the deck, peering into the depths of the fish pond has revealed many an insight into what hurt me and why. The little fishes mouth a little something, but if it isn't to their liking they end up spitting it back out. They hold on to nothing that would hurt them, not allowing it to grow in size in their small bellies.
This is all done with an awareness that I didn't have in my earlier life. These are not merely distractions so that I push the hurt deep within and not deal with it. If that is done, over a period of time, it simply morphs into something that will rear its ugly head at an inopportune time. By no means have I arrived 100%. I try my best to realize that the people who set out to hurt me are operating at a much lower energy without love in their heart. I do my best to send them a healing thought in kind. How sad it really is that there are people who think they need to inflict power and pain on others, simply so they are right, or to assert their perceived control over others.
I continue to work on not being simply a passive individual. I do not want to let another person to have power over me. I continue to assert my personal needs and not allow others to bully me.